Susannah's Scrap Pile

gahhhh

have no idea what this professor is talking about. i just never understand his lectures. fml

Can’t wait for school to start again!

Gahhh i’m such a nerd but I just love school. There is nothing better than the stacks in Sterling Library. I’m looking forward to shopping a million interesting classes—unfortunately, the majority of the ones I like are literature, and I can’t feasibly take more than one or two of those out of my five. So stoked—epics, neuroscience, french, fairy tales, children’s literature (seniors only but I’ll try to get in), morality, who knows? Shopping week is the best week ever, because it’s a combination of gleefully looking through the bluebook for more classes, but also partying hard on the first weekend back after several horrible weeks of being locked in a room studying one’s ass off before the holidays started!!!! :)  

haven’t written a normal diary entry in a while. let’s see…i’m sitting in the bar in ireland (classic winter break past time) listening to DJ Earworm 2011 “World Go Boom” on repeat. It’s really good. Ever since I was little I’ve been consumed by anxieties (they go through cycles and phases lasting months or years). It seems that for the past year my two main ones have been: 

1) what is the point of the universe? isn’t everything we do, no matter how great, just going to be destroyed? As if we are in a huge waiting room making beautiful sandcastles that will be eradicated with no evidence that they ever existed once the world has exploded? I’ve really been struggling with my atheism lately. I’m a total atheist (it would be nice to be religious, comforting) but I can’t, and the more I think about the universe, the more I wonder why we’re here if it’s just to waste time. My depression is pretty summed up in this article I found: 

http://www.bethinking.org/resource.php?ID=129

That’s not to say i’m not an ambitious person. It’s weird because I’m ambitious to a fault and have HUGE dreams and am always wanting to create art and feel such love and passion every day it makes me go crazy, but at the same time, on a more objective philosophical level, I can’t help thinking we are all deluding ourselves into thinking there’s a point to anything. 

2) Second, I have been freaking out about how little I’ve done with my life. I think this panic is partly due to the creative dry spell i’m going through—ideas are coming much slower to me, which makes me feel like I”m wasting time because i’m not creating—and I worry I’m never going to get everything accomplished I want to. And these accomplishments are mainly—write a great novel, take more photos, reach new heights of artistic success. My love and obsession for art is sometimes a burden because I have become more and more conscious of literally EVERY minute that passes, as a minute less to live, to make art. It’s really creepy. I just look at my life and think—18 years, what have you been doing? Why haven’t you used your resources more? Why haven’t you been making MORE? 

On a happier note, back to Yale in a few days! WOOT!!! 

Oh, and New Years Resolution…make my photographic career my NUMBER ONE priority. This first semester of college it was really on the backburner, I was much too passive. This year—ATTACK IT! Be proactive, Susannah! Work harder, push yourself more, do more. Don’t say “I’ll do it after homework.” 

“You are in love with the impossible.”

Ismene, Antigone. 

Reflections

I feel like there’s not enough time. I need to use my time more effectively. I haven’t done enough, nearly enough. I need to make more, do more, challenge myself. Because right now, I am not doing enough. I just need to push myself more. I’m disappointed by how I’ve let myself down, how I’ve not made enough art, succeeded enough. I’m 18 and I need more to show I was here, that I’ve made some sort of difference. It’s scary to see how little I’ve done and how much time is 18 years. It really scares me, and makes me sad. I can’t let this happen. I know this sounds a bit OCD but it’s always on my mind now. I’ve become more conscious of every single second, of every hour that I’m not using effectively. I need to take more opportunities at school, do more than just the work. Taking classes, being a student, getting good grades, having fun…that is not enough. I have a purpose, and that is not living up to the purpose. I have no desire to be mediocre, or to be lazy. ugh…

and so, new year’s resolution—DO EVERYTHING for your dream, Susannah. Don’t let the daily life stuff get in the way. Always put art first. Always. Push yourself. HARDER. every day, MORE. 

shot the back cover of Beyoncé’s newest DVD!!

awesomeness

so happy to be home but miss college already! Chilling, photoshoots, reading reading reading all the books I didn’t have time to read, tea, amazing christmas trees, and then Ireland! On top of it, my best friend Kira (muse in many of my photos) just got into MIT!!!! BEAUTIFUL AND A GENIUS!!! I’m so proud of her :) 

PS: our dorm room is adorable, we decorate for every holiday!!! <3

FINALS WEEK

11 CONSECUTIVE HOURS IN THE BERKLEY LIBRARY AND STILL COUNTING. 0_0 

so fuckedddddd

YALE HARVARD GAME

Yale Harvard football game weekend. It’s tomorrow and the school spirit is getting intense here. This is probably the most spirited weekend of the year. BOOLAH BOOLAH BOOLAH YALE FOREVER